Tag Archives: Ph.D.

Why I Left Facebook… Well, Almost.

Can one leave facebook completely?

Can I leave facebook completely?

(Photo above from mkhmarketing.)

I’m not slamming down facebook.  In fact, I enjoyed many of the simple pleasures it offered. I was excited when I reconnected with my primary school best friend whom I thought I would never hear about or see again. I’ve done my fair share of raising pets, growing plants, and expanding my restaurant. I’ve also shared news links of social issues I thought were important, posted photos of me having a good time, all the while waiting for the “likes” to increase. I’ve also written a few “thoughtful” posts that generated a long thread of discussion that satisfied my vanity.

So why am I leaving facebook? I’m not leaving it for its privacy issues, a topic that plenty of others have discussed. I don’t think facebook is completely evil. It is a great social media tool that has become indispensable for raising awareness of issues. I’m leaving it because it has sabotaged my productivity.

The watershed moment came at the beginning of this year.  I was nearing the end of writing up my thesis around January. My university holds two graduation ceremonies a year, one in the summer and one in the winter, so graduates have a choice of which one they want to attend to fit their schedule. Revising my thesis in the middle of the night, I couldn’t resist checking facebook in what was probably the fifth time that day, and I saw a couple of friends who graduated that day had already posted their graduation photos on facebook.

Throughout the years I’ve had plenty of friends who’ve posted their graduation photos, from master’s to Ph.d.’s, and I would always congratulate them by either leaving a “well done!” comment or clicking “Like.”

But that evening I panicked. Browsing over my friends’ smiling faces, dressed in their graduation gowns, apparently having a good time with their families and loved ones, I was envious and jealous, and for the first time I didn’t feel like congratulating them. I wanted to be there with my family and friends. I wanted to wear the ph.d. graduation gown (even though our department gown is kind of, um… an ugly combination of orange and blue). But most important of all, I wanted to be the one posting a graduation photo, not revising my thesis in the middle of the night and cursing myself for logging onto facebook.

I did not want to see another graduation photo. “They all look the same anyway,” I thought.

So this is when I realized facebook was not only sabotaging my productivity but also turning me into a sour grape. By this time I was already a facebook addict. Even though I’d quit playing harmless games that involved buying clothes for my pet or exchanging ingredients so I could cook another dish for my restaurant, I couldn’t resist the temptation of checking facebook whenever I got stuck in my writing. I would, of course, turn to my notes or read another journal article in order to find the answer to the conceptual problem I was trying to solve, but most of the times it was the immediate satisfaction of checking facebook that provided a quick relief of angst, and tempted me to log on several times a day. If this sounds like a drug addiction, it’s because it felt like a drug addiction.

Scholars researching digital media describe people’s short attention span in our digital age as “a butterfly mind.” This usually refers to how information made accessible by the internet makes us “jump” from one website to another, or from one link to another, consequently shortening our attention span. Applying this description to my relationship with facebook, its availability as a form of a “break activity” contributed to my compulsory habit of logging in. Because it provided distraction, subconsciously I wanted to log in more and more in order to escape the stress of facing an unfinished sentence or paragraph. Every time I told myself I would check my friends’ updates for just 10 minutes, the short break ended up being half an hour to an hour.

I certainly feel that my attention span has shortened considerably compared to when I was a high school student writing an essay. I could spend undistracted hours writing, revising, and editing. Maybe a high school essay is simply easier to write than a thesis, but I do miss that unrelenting concentration.

So I’ve left facebook. Well, almost. I’ve managed to stick to my plan of logging on to facebook only once a week. I’m wondering whether I should start making it once a month. Last week I almost forgot to check facebook on my “facebook day.”

I don’t think I will be able to leave facebook completely though. I still want to know what close friends who I don’t get to see often are doing, and I also want to use my account to save contacts I meet at conferences. I live away from home, so I also use facebook to see what my cousins have been up to lately. But not relying on facebook for communication has made me realize that, the people I interact with most on facebook, are the people I interact with most in daily life anyway. Not the guy who I used to have a crush on in high school.

So why blog, you might ask? Isn’t blogging going to distract me from thesis writing? I started blogging to create an outlet for my post-viva trauma, but also to sharpen my writing skills. My examiners told me I articulated the concepts that are fundamental to my argument clearly in the viva, but these concepts are missing from the thesis. I’ve been thinking about why my work gave this impression, because from my perspective the concepts they’re concerned about are clearly in there. I think there was probably a problem with my writing style. I wasn’t able to communicate my ideas and argument to my examiners effectively. Blogging language is not the same as thesis/academic language, but keeping an audience in mind helps me think about how to communicate more efficiently and clearly.

Two friends about my age–and I’m not that old–have never used facebook, and probably never will. I used to tease them and secretly made fun of them for their stubbornness and for being out of the loop. Now I applaud them for never having started.

Why I Decided to do a Ph.D.

I had a meeting with one of my supervisors last week.  She asked me to read the Introduction and Chapter 1 of my thesis, and mark the places where I can insert the passages that the examiners want me to make according to the first page of the viva report.  I can start rewriting straight away, but she encouraged me not to, and suggested that after marking the places where new passages need to be inserted will I know what to delete.

I think this was a good suggestion, because I planned an overhaul for the Introduction, Chapter 1, and Conclusion, and this would probably have made the rewriting process more overwhelming than it needs to be. She said I wrote a good thesis, so while it is important to do EXACTLY what the examiners have asked me to do, I also need to show faith in my work and not overdo the corrections.

I appreciated this meeting as it helped me put the correction process into perspective.  Although I’m still hurt and feeling antagonistic towards the examiners and the viva report, I am more ready to move forwards than I was a couple of weeks back.  If I do exactly what the examiners have asked me to do, there is no reason I wouldn’t get the Ph.D.

But what if my corrections aren’t good enough?  My examiners said I articulated my argument very well in the viva. Shouldn’t this prove that I know the issues and debates in my field, and that I am capable of doing research?  If they’ve already heard what my thesis is about, will my corrections really satisfy them the second time?  The unknown factor of having my six years of work lie in the hands of two academics who didn’t pass me the first time worries me.  I’m one of those people who tend to lose appetite when they’re anxious, so I have to remind myself to eat enough, especially since I need the energy for aerial.

But apart from the viva report and having to pay full-time tuition, the hardest thing to combat is the feeling of being abandoned and worthlessness. There is a lot of valuable and accessible information out there about how to lead a Ph.D. life or how to write a thesis, but very little on how to pick yourself up from major corrections. It is understandable though. Nobody likes to remember failure, consequently not much has been written about what to do if you fall into the unfortunate category of major corrections.

Unfortunate category of major corrections...

Fallen to the darkness of major corrections…

The lack of information makes me feel I have done something wrong and shameful.  I was confident that I was making a critical intervention in my field, and that my work is original.  I believed in what I wrote.  However, now it seems that presentation and writing technicalities are more important than the argument itself.  Even though it’s quite late in the process, I’m wondering why I decided to do a Ph.D. at all.

I guess I’m asking myself this question over and over again to convince myself that I need to stick with the correction process.  Before the Ph.D., I had three years of working experience as a marketing assistant at a technological company, and later as an assistant editor in a publishing company.  I could do my job well, but felt I wasn’t putting in enough effort.  I hated the monotonous schedule of being stuck in an office nine-to-six Monday to Friday.  I couldn’t bear the idea of sitting in an office for the next five years.

This is when I began to contemplate at the possibility of doing a Ph.D.  An academic job would be hard, but at least I wouldn’t be stuck indoors every day of the week.  The winter and summer holidays also provide working flexibility envied by other office jobs.  I did my master’s degree on American and English literature, and after graduating I had vowed to never, ever go into academia again.  Yet I overruled my own decision, and here I am.

So my reasons for doing a Ph.D. were quite practical.  I was always interested in visual culture and identity issues, so I made the transition from literature to film.  Having a three year break from academia, I needed time to adjust to being a student again.  At the beginning everything I read made sense.  I panicked that others had already written what I wanted to say, and that there would be no originality in my research.  I remember it was in one of our first year meetings when one of my supervisors said that I need to look at my cultural context metacritically, and I wondered what she meant by “metacritical.”

It wasn’t until my third year that I began to grasp my own argument, and be able to hear my critical voice amongst others.  My thesis criticizes discourses of nationalism and analyzes how identity is projected in historical films.  I thought my research was really filling a gap seldom discussed in my field, and should also be communicated to the public.  This is when I felt I was ready to teach.

I think my reasons for doing a Ph.D. have come from being highly practical, to highly idealistic, to cynical, and now I’m trying to find the balance between these approaches.  I don’t have the answer to whether doing a Ph.D. is worth it yet, especially considering the bleak prospect of the current academic job market.  I think this blogpost from Right Scholarship has put it sadly but incredibly well, “… perhaps [university] shouldn’t have been touted for so long as the key to happiness, prosperity and the betterment of society.”  Is it too late to look back?

I made a choice several years ago, so I need to finish what I’ve started.